Blog Tour: Posted by John David Anderson (Review + Interview)

Series:	Standalone
Genre:	Middle Grade, Contemporary
Publication Date:	May 2, 2017
Pages:	384 (Hardcover)
Published By:	Walden Pond Press
Website:	John David Anderson
	Posted on Goodreads
My review copy:	Received from the publisher via Jean Book Nerd tours in exchange for my honest review

Where to get:

From John David Anderson, author of the acclaimed Ms. Bixby�s Last Day, comes a humorous, poignant, and original contemporary story about bullying, broken friendships, and the failures of communication between kids.

In middle school, words aren�t just words. They can be weapons. They can be gifts. The right words can win you friends or make you enemies. They can come back to haunt you. Sometimes they can change things forever.

When cell phones are banned at Branton Middle School, Frost and his friends Deedee, Wolf, and Bench come up with a new way to communicate: leaving sticky notes for each other all around the school. It catches on, and soon all the kids in school are leaving notes�though for every kind and friendly one, there is a cutting and cruel one as well.

In the middle of this, a new girl named Rose arrives at school and sits at Frost�s lunch table. Rose is not like anyone else at Branton Middle School, and it�s clear that the close circle of friends Frost has made for himself won�t easily hold another. As the sticky-note war escalates, and the pressure to choose sides mounts, Frost soon realizes that after this year, nothing will ever be the same.

(Goodreads)

Point is, none of us is alone. We might feel alone sometimes, but more often than not we are just lonely. There's a difference. We aren't alone because it's basic human nature to band together. Herd mentality. We are programmed to find our people.

But some things, I guess, you can't shy away from. Some things you just have to tackle head on, whether it's safe or not. Even if it means losing a part of you. 

      Posted is a heartfelt and sincere book about what it means to be a teenager nova days. It's about standing out in the crowd, being bullied and witnessing others being bullied, feeling lost and confused, but it's also -- or most of all -- about belonging, finding your tribe and having people in your life that really uplift you and make even the hardest days better, brighter and more hopeful. As someone who has experienced bullying in school first hand, I really appreciate this book. It's a wonderful reminder that despite middle-school being hell sometimes, we can all make it through. We can all get by with a little help from our friends. And as long as we stick together, we can do more than just survive -- we can be truly happy. 

      After an incident involving one student, her cellphone and a couple of unfortunate text messages caught by the teacher, cellphones are banned at Branton Middle School. The void created by the fact is quickly filled by a new form of communicating -- sticky notes. They're the new text messages now, and they're everywhere: left on the desks, slipped into backpacks, stuck to the lockers. Unfortunately, not all of them are harmless. Some can be mean and hurtful, and they're out there for everyone to see, packing an even stronger punch and causing more damage. 

     Caught in the middle of this mess are our protagonists: a tight group of misfit friends (Frost, Wolf, Bench and Deedee) and the new girl at school, Rose. Through the eyes of Frost, we watch the events unfold.We see how the friendship between the boys gets more and more strained as the new girl warms its way into their tight-knit circle; their tribe. 

     It's been a while since I've read a book that captures so beautifully and accurately the angst, comedy, drama, tragedy and exuberance of adolescence. John David Anderson does it so well. His characters are brilliant. They're perfectly imperfect and prone to making mistakes. They're all realistically flawed, but also kind of heroic in their hearts (especially Rose). Their friendship -- with the nerdy D&D sessions and quirky dialogs at the cafeteria lunch table -- is wonderfully realistic; so much that it made me think about my own friendships from middle and high school days. I found myself relating to these characters and the hardships they were going through, and I finished this book with a feeling of satisfaction. I was so pleased with the ending and so proud of the characters for doing what they did. It felt awesome. 

     Rose is a new favorite character of mine. She's so incredibly fierce and strong. She's different from all the other kids and she knows it. In fact, she wants to be different, she wants to stand out, she has her own style, she's bold, charismatic, unique and unstoppable. Most of all, she is such a wonderful friend. I want so badly to have a friend like Rose. She is there for you, not only in theory, but for real, even if it puts her own life and safety on the line. And she's so incredibly wise for her age. I absolutely adore her. 

     Overall, I feel that Posted is a book that gets it right. Regardless of the reader's proximity to his or her own high-school experiences. I grew up in Poland, I went to school there, and yet this book felt very personal on more than one level. I could relate to the characters -- to Frost most of all, but also to Rose, and even Wolf. In many ways, Posted feels timeless and I think it's well worth reading. 

Author Interview:

1) Welcome to Bookish Lifestyle, John! Thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule to visit us today. Could you tell us a bit about yourself? 

Thanks for inviting me, Evie. And sure! Born and raised in Indianapolis, Indiana. Lego collector.Chocolate fiend.Well-versed in Star Wars lore.Collector of nerdy t-shirts. Often wears socks inside out due to laziness. Once stepped on a hornet�s nest and was stung thirty times. Father of twins.Writer of novels.Baker of brownies.Believer in the basic goodness of humankind.

2) I found POSTED to be a very poignant and heartfelt story about bullying and the challenges teenagers face when it comes to communication and self-expression. As someone who experienced bullying first hand (in elementary school), I found your book incredibly insightful and relatable. Could you tell us what (or who) inspired you to write it? 

POSTED was a personal book, based, at least emotionally, on my own experiences in middle-school�as a target, yes, but also as an observer of the cruel things kids can say and do to each other. I also remember keenly what it�s like to have friendships fall apart at that age. I think I took those emotional experiences and added my own current reflections on the power of language and a more contemporary youth culture where the avenues for bullying have multiplied, making it even harder to escape or ignore. At the same time, I also remember the solace I found in the friends I managed to hang onto, which I hope comes through in the book as well.

3) Frost, Wolf, DeeDee,Bench and Rose are all wonderfully crafted, realistic characters. Do you feel particularly close to either one of them? 

Aw, thanks! I feel for all of them, certainly. Every one of them is struggling to define themselves and determine where they stand on the social hierarchy. Many of them have family issues. They certainly have issues with each other. This is the reality of middle school. I would love to say I identify most with Rose because she�s the wisest and most courageous of the group, but I�m afraid I see much more of myself in Frost, the struggling narrator who is never sure what to say or do, despite his poetic inclinations. Sounds like an average day of writing, come to think of it.

4) What is your all time favorite book? Which writer influenced you in your writing the most?

I can�t pick an all-time favorite�there are just too many. But the writer who influenced me the most is probably Kurt Vonnegut Jr.�not because I emulate his style (as if I even could), but because reading Vonnegut was when I first started paying attention to the beauty of language and the inner workings of fiction. Before Vonnegut I read mostly to escape; after Vonnegut I read to become a better writer, to see how all the pieces fit together.

5) What is the most memorable reaction you've had from a reader?

This past year I�ve gotten a tremendous response from adult readers of Ms. Bixby�s Last Day, many of whom have shared their experience as teachers or as students of great teachers, as well as people who have lost loved-ones to cancer and found solace in the book. It�s humbling and heart-warming to hear that my book in some way pays tribute to such outstanding, courageous people. Of course, I still can never get enough of the eleven-year-old kid who says one of my books is the best he�s ever read. I know I won�t hold the title for long, but it�s nice to hear!

6) What can you tell us about the book you're working on right now?

It�s a lot of fun. It�s about a fairy and a wish she just can�t manage to grant, despite all her efforts. I think it�s hilarious and hair-raising and heartfelt and should appeal to anyone between the ages of 8 and 80. Also it has a talking dog who loves doughnuts.

About the Author:

John David Anderson is the author of Sidekicked, Minion, Standard Hero Behavior,The Dungeoneers, Ms. Bixby's Last Day and Insert Coin to Continue. He lives with his patient wife and brilliant twins in Indianapolis, Indiana, right next to a State park and a Walmart. He does not wear ties but will wear sandals in the snow. He enjoys hiking, reading, chocolate, spending time with his family, playing the piano, chocolate, putting off the dishes, watching movies, and chocolate. Those aren't his real teeth. Seriously. The middle four on top? Lost 'em in a car accident. It's all right, though, the plastic ones look nice and he can still eat corn on the cob.

There are lots of ways to contact him. Telepathy, for example. Carrier pigeon. Alien distress beacon. Sky writing. Failing those, you can always e-mail him here. Be sure to tell him how his book has revolutionized your life, or, barring that, how you used it to smash a bug or something.

WEBSITE: http://www.johndavidanderson.org/

TWITTER: @anderson_author

GOODREADS: http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/6981617.John_David_Anderson

FACEBOOK: https://www.facebook.com/JohnDavidAndersonAuthor

Giveaway:

7 Winners will receive a Copy of POSTED by John David Anderson

Giveaway is open to International. | Must be 13+ to Enter

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Blog Tour Schedule:

May 15th Monday Bookish Lifestyle REVIEW & INTERVIEW
May 15th Monday A Dream Within a Dream DREAM CAST
May 16th Tuesday Wishful Endings FILL IN THE BLANKS
May 17th Wednesday Here's to Happy Endings REVIEW
May 17th Wednesday BookHounds YA REVIEW & TENS LIST
May 18th Thursday CBY Book Club EXCERPT
May 19th Friday Crossroad Reviews REVIEW
May 19th Friday Books, Dreams, Life RANDOM THINGS
May 20th Saturday Sabrina's Paranormal Palace REVIEW & FAVORITE BOOKS
May 21st Sunday Twirling Book Princess REVIEW & EXCERPT
May 22nd Monday Wonder Struck RANDOM THINGS
May 22nd Monday Mama Reads Blog REVIEW & RANDOM THINGS
May 23rd Tuesday JeanBookNerd VLOG & INTERVIEW
May 24th Wednesday Reading for the Stars and Moon REVIEW & MUSIC PLAYLIST

Blog Tour: The Crown's Fate by Evelyn Skye (Review + Giveaway)

I am thrilled to be the first stop on the book tour for The Crown's Fate by Evelyn Skye, hosted by Brittany's Book Rambles! I have a special tote design to unveil for you guys today and I hope you will like it!

Don't forget to enter the giveaway!

Genre:	Young Adult, Fantasy
Publication.Date:	May 16, 2017
Pages:	400
Published By:	Harper Teen (Balzer+Bray)
Website:	Evelyn Skye
	The Crown's Fate on Goodreads
My review copy:	Received in exchange for review consideration + design

Where to get:

The gorgeous and darkly compelling sequel to The Crown�s Game�perfect for fans of Red Queen and Shadow and Bone.

Magic is growing, shadows are rising, and the throne is at stake�

Russia is on the brink of great change. Pasha�s coronation approaches, and Vika is now the Imperial Enchanter, but the role she once coveted may be more difficult�and dangerous�than she ever expected.

Pasha is grappling with his own problems�his legitimacy is in doubt, the girl he loves loathes him, and he believes his best friend is dead. When a challenger to the throne emerges�and with the magic in Russia growing rapidly�Pasha must do whatever it takes to keep his position and protect his kingdom.

For Nikolai, the ending of the Crown�s Game stung deeply. Although he just managed to escape death, Nikolai remains alone, a shadow hidden in a not-quite-real world of his own creation. But when he�s given a second chance at life�tied to a dark price�Nikolai must decide just how far he�s willing to go to return to the world.

With revolution on the rise, dangerous new magic rearing up, and a tsardom up for the taking, Vika, Nikolai, and Pasha must fight�or face the destruction of not only their world but also themselves.

Pre-order Incentive: http://www.evelynskye.com/pre-order/

(Goodreads)

But what was greatness? Was it constantly accepting second place?

But hadn't they all changed? Life happened without permission, and it swept everyone along in its violent wake.

We are not defined by what we can do, but by what we actually do.

It's you that defines you. That's all the truth that there is.

The Crown's Fate, the follow-up to The Crown's Game, was a thrilling and extremely readable conclusion to Evelyn Skye's magical and highly entertaining duology. I was surprised how wonderful it felt to be back in the world of Nikolai, Vika, Pasha and Renata -- I missed those characters a lot and I just couldn't wait to see how this intrigue-filled fantasy would end. And I'm very happy to report that The Crown's Fate did not disappoint! 

Now, if you haven't yet read The Crown's Game (and you're planning to), it's probably best to stop reading my review now, for there inevitably will be some spoilers! 

The Crown's Fate picks up shortly after the Game ended. Vika is now the Imperial Enchanter, Pasha is about to become Tsar and Nikolai is gone.. though, not entirely. Nothing is as it should be, though. Pasha is torn and full of regrets --forcing the Game's end weighs heavily on his conscience. He blames himself for Nikolai's "death" and is having trouble coming to terms with his new reality. Vika isn't in a better place herself. Though winning the Game made her dream of becoming the Imperial Enchanter come true, she is now bound to serve Pasha, whom she despises (well, despises may be a strong word to describe how she feels, let's say she has a hard time forgiving him for forcing the Game's end). And to make matters worse, a bracelet appeared on her wrist that will burn her skin if she ever disobeys Tsarevich's orders. 

On top of everything else, as it turns out, Nikolai isn't dead at all. He's stuck in an in-between world of his own creation - the Kazakh Steppe. While he isn't quite his old self and definitely lacks the power to escape the dream bench on his own, he is far from being dead and out of the picture. Aizhana, his monstrous mother, isn't gone either. Quite to the contrary, she's still there and ready to finish what she started in the previous book...

I don't want to give too much of the plot away, but let me just say this: I was surprised by some of the plot developments and quite shocked because of others. The Crown's Fate was much darker and murkier than the previous book. The Crown's Fate was filled to the brim with beautiful magic - the Game itself forcing the Enchanters to conjure stunning and wondrous things as they competed each other. And even though we did witness actual duels and the blood was spilled, the first book never got as dark and gloomy as the Crown's Fate. In fact, for the majority of the sequel I had this overwhelmingly bad feeling and I felt.. well, sad.  And that's because we - the readers - see the whole picture and understand certain things the characters themselves don't realize until it's too late. We see them lost, confused and fighting their internal battles (and often losing them, too).  And it's all quite tragic, to be honest. 

I really liked the way the book was plotted, though. I couldn't put it down. Things were happening very fast, characters were being killed off left and right, and the story was getting more and more intense by the second, leading up to the breath-taking conclusion. Evelyn Skye did a marvelous job making the characters feel real and three-dimensional. Even Aizhana! I actually felt bad for her. I felt bad for all of them. They were all complex and with great back-stories, that made them feel very human, and made it hard for me to simply hate them for their bad, misguided decisions. There's not a single character that is simply bad, or evil. They're all tragic. Sure, they make bad decisions, they act on emotions, they are sometimes driven by all the wrong things (revenge, hurt, betrayal, jealousy), but we always see why they do the things they do, even if they don't yet see that themselves. 

Overall, I really enjoyed this series as a whole and wish there was more. I am going to miss this world and these characters. I'm going to miss the stubborn and untameable Vika and the mysterious, charming Nikolai. At the same time, I wouldn't add anything more to this story, as it is perfect just the way it is. 

About the author:

Evelyn Skye was once offered a job by the C.I.A., she not-so-secretly wishes she was on "So You Think You Can Dance," and if you challenge her to a pizza-eating contest, she guarantees she will win. When she isn't writing, Evelyn can be found chasing her daughter on the playground or sitting on the couch, immersed in a good book and eating way too many cookies. THE CROWN'S GAME is her first novel. Evelyn can be found online at www.evelynskye.com and on Twitter @EvelynSkyeYA.

Author Links: Website| Twitter | Goodreads | Tumblr | Instagram | Facebook

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Tour Schedule

Week 1

May 8th: Bookish Lifestyles - Review + Tote Design

May 9th: Brittany's Book Rambles - Interview

May 10th: Alexa Loves Books - Author Guest Post

May 11th: It Start at Midnight - Mini Review + Fancast

May 12th: The Book Buzz - Review 

Week 2

May 15th: The YA Book Traveler - Trailer + Interview

May 16th: Lost in Literature - Review 

May 17th: Stories and Sweeties - Recipe

May 18th: My Friends Are Fiction - Review + Author Guest Post

May 19th: Paper Fury - Review 

Bookish Product Review: Groovebags Bookish High Top shoes + Discount

Hey lovely people! I'm here today with a bookish product review :)

 I recently got the opportunity to collaborate with Groovebags on an Instagram feature. They sent me these amazing looking high tops with a funky bookish print. I gotta say, this was love at fist sight. They're so hip, so colorful and also so comfortable, I really enjoy wearing them! 

Groovebags is a great new(ish) website that offers shoes, bags and socks with unique prints on them. Personally, I think their products are amazing for booklovers -- especially those of us who enjoy taking photos (they have a whole line of camera bags perfect for bookstagram pics). 

They always have some sort of promotions going on, and on top of everything else I also get to share with you a code for additional 10% off!

For 10% off your purchase, use code EVIEBOOKISH at checkout!

Here's where you can find more about Groovebags:

Website | Instagram | Twitter 

Book Review: The Fifth Trimester: The Working Mom's Guide to Style, Sanity, and Big Success After Baby

Series:	Standalone
Genre:	Adult, Nonfiction, Parenting
Publication Date:	April 4, 2017
Pages:	352 (Hardcover)
Published By:	Doubleday Books
Website:	Lauren Smith Brody
	The Fifth Trimester on Goodreads
My review copy:	Own

Where to get:

The Fifth Trimester is your new best friend: a brilliant, tells-it-like-it-is guide that helps moms cope with the demands of the real world after the baby arrives.

The first three trimesters (and the fourth--those blurry newborn days) are for the baby, but the Fifth Trimester is when the working mom is born. No matter what the job or how you define work, you're going to have a lot of questions. When will I go back? How should I manage that initial "I want to quit" attack? Flex-time or full-time? How can I achieve 50/50 at home with my partner? What's the best option for childcare? Is it possible to look like I slept for eight hours instead of three? And . . . why is there never a convenient space to pump?

Whether you're in the final stages of pregnancy or hitting the panic button on your last day of leave, The Fifth Trimester is your one-stop shop for the honest, funny, and comforting tips, to-do lists, and take-charge strategies you'll need to embrace your new identity as a working parent and set yourself up for success.

Based on interviews with 700+ candidly speaking moms in wildly varied fields and incredible expert advice, The Fifth Trimester tackles every personal and professional detail with the wit, warmth, and inspiration you need to win when you head back to work. Like What to Expect When You're Expecting and The Happiest Baby on the Block, this is an indispensable guide every new mom needs on her shelf.

(Goodreads)

Since the birth of Teacup Human, my TBR pile has shrunk substantially. Seriously. Check out my Goodreads page and there is a total of 25 books between my "To Read" and "To Read Own" shelves - and only three of those are currently published.

My priorities shifted and while I still read, and enjoy reading, the time to lounge on the couch and just read for hours is a thing of the past. Fair trade off, but that just means I'm picker when it comes to what I read and far more ruthless when it comes to DNFing titles.

I'm not a huge fan of nonfiction titles. I'll read some here and there depending on the topic, but when The Fifth Trimester fell into my lap I knew that as a new mom and a working one at that, I had to give it a read.

The only drawback, for me, is that by the time I got around to reading The Fifth Trimester, I had already been back to work for two months and had found somewhat a groove between Mom-Andrea, Working-Mom-Andrea, and Human-Woman-Andrea. Not an easy balance, but I got a hang of it. For now anyway. ;)

Had I read this prior to coming back to work, it would have been more helpful and insightful as to what I was about to experience. Lauren includes amazing tips, hacks, and stories from fellow mothers.

One of my favorite things Lauren includes, which I have since adopted, is the "sub-sixty-second" plan for the "morning when your baby decides to nurse twice, or poops on your clothes, or just needs to be held during the exact time that you usually reserve for getting ready." Luckily, Teacup Human doesn't have many of these mornings and if she wakes up early I can put her in her bouncer next to my vanity and she entertains herself, but every once in a while all my focus needs to be on her. Or else.

Lauren's writing is like talking to a girlfriend and her antidotes of fellow friends/mothers who have been in the same situation were calming. Sort of in an "I'm not alone" sort of way. One of the things she stresses is that while it's important to take care of your baby, obviously, it's also extremely important to take care of yourself.

I'd definitely recommend this to any mother on the verge of returning to work or just to any new mother in general.

Click. Date. repeat. Again. by K.J Farnham {Book Review and Blurb}

Title: Click. Date. Repeat. Again

Series: Click. Date. Repeat. Series

Author: K.J. Farnham

Release Date: April 19th, 2017

Genre: women�s fiction 

Tour Dates: April 19th � 23rd, 2017

Never in her wildest dreams would Jess Mason ever imagine herself being a part of the online dating hype. Yet here she is smack-dab in the middle of it all. And she�s dated her fair share of online crazies to be a new connoisseur of all the weirdos out in the cyber world. After a slew of bad dates and pussy (cat that is) pictures, Jess knows that she needs to finally commit to something�or someone. And suddenly there he is, a man she can actually imagine herself with. But when Jess is faced with an undeniable attraction to a handsome, unavailable co-worker, she�s conflicted about continuing her quest for Mr. Right-At-Her-Fingertips. Now, it�s feast or famine�and she�s not willing to starve. She certainly can�t have both�that wouldn�t be right. After all, that�s the �old Jess.� The new Jess is ready to start clicking with someone special and make a real love connection. **This book is a spinoff of Click Date Repeat, so it can be read as a standalone.**

 Buy the Book: AmazonUS | AmazonUK |

Oh my! I absolutely adored this book! One of the best women's fiction books I've read in quite awhile. Jess's best friend Chloe some how gets her involved in online dating, against her better judgement. Jess starts a fun,hilarious and exciting ride into the online dating community with her first date who hiccups when he is nervous. Freaking hilarious I tell you!! Jess starts to meet her fair share of crazy men online but she also finds a deep connection with a co-worker which just adds to her confusion. Not to mention, her ex that she is trying to forget just won't stop bugging her. 

I loved how real these characters were. They all had flaws and life issues. They weren't picture perfect like some romance novels make you believe. The genuine actions taken by Jess to find real love were at sometimes so familiar to me, I had to remember I was reading a book!

You don't need to read the first book to pick up this sequel. The first book is all about Chloe's journey to finding love online but this one is all about Jess. I didn't read the first book either and I absolutely will be reading it soon, just because I love this author and want to read more, more, more.

Pick up this book and take a ride into the online dating world with Jess. From funny and affectionate to serious and engrossing, this book has everything you'd want to see in contemporary fiction. 

About the author:

AmazonAU | AmazonCA

Say Hello to author K.J. Farnham! Bio: K. J. Farnham writes contemporary fiction for women and young adults. A former educator who grew up in the Milwaukee area, she now lives in Western Wisconsin with her husband and three children. When not keeping up with her kids, she can usually be found reading or writing. Beach outings, coffee, acoustic music, and road trips are among her favorite things. She currently has several projects in the works! Website | Facebook | Twitter | Instagram It's a Series: If you haven't checked out book 1 in the series you should!

Title: Click. Date. Repeat. 

Series: Click. Date. Repeat. Series 

Author: K.J. Farnham 

Release Date: August 21st, 2014 

Genre: women�s fiction 

Blurb: These days, finding love online is as commonplace as ordering that coveted sweater. But back in 2003, the whole concept of internet dating was still quite new, with a stigma attached to it that meant those who were willing to test the waters faced a fair amount of skepticism from friends and family. Such is the case for Chloe Thompson, a restless 20-something tired of the typical dating scene and curious about what she might find inside her parents� computer. With two serious but failed relationships behind her, Chloe isn�t even entirely sure what she�s looking for. She just knows that whatever it is, she wants to find it. Chloe�s foray into online dating involves a head-first dive into a world of matches, ice breakers and the occasional offer of dick pics, all while Chloe strives to shake herself of the ex who just refuses to disappear. Will she simultaneously find herself and �the one� online, or will the ever-growing pile of humorous and downright disastrous dates only prove her friends and family right? There�s only one way to find out� Click. Date. Repeat. 

Buy the Book: AmazonUS | AmazonUK | AmazonAU | AmazonCA

Visit all the stops on the tour:

April 19th
On The Run Book Reviews - Book Excerpt
Amanda's Book Nook for Adults - Book Review
Kelee Morris - Author Spotlight
CLiK Book Blog - Book Review
For the Love of Chick Lit - Book Excerpt

April 20th
  Chick Lit Central - Author Spotlight
Jena Books - Book Review
Wild & Sexy Book Blog - Book Review

April 21st
ItaPixie's Book Corner - Book Excerpt
GW Reviews - Book Review
Bookish Lifestyle - Book Review
Judging More than Just the Cover - Author Interview

April 22nd
Book Lover in Florida - Book Excerpt
Sylv.Net - Author Spotlight
Romance Rendezvous Book Blog - Book Review

April 23rd
  Kristin's Novel Cafe - Author Spotlight
Second Run Reviews - Author Spotlight
Ramblings From Beneath The Sheets - Book Excerpt
  Lindsay's Book Blog - Book Review

13 Reasons Why [TV] - Personal Thoughts

�I wanted people to trust me, despite anything they'd heard. And more than that, I wanted them to know me. Not the stuff they thought they knew about me. No, the real me. I wanted them to get past the rumors. To see beyond the relationships I once had, or maybe still had but that they didn't agree with.� 

? Jay Asher, Thirteen Reasons Why

Disclaimer: This isn't a TV show or book review, just my personal thoughts and feelings. I'm not writing this for attention of any sort, I just.. I guess I want to talk about things I never had the courage to share before. 

TW: Suicide

I just watched the last episode of the Netflix adaptation of 13 Reasons Why and I have so many thoughts and feelings, that I'm not quite sure if I want to share, but I feel like maybe I should. Like maybe, I need to. So, I'm going to sit down and let it pour out of me (which is so not something I would normally do and is a huge effort in itself). And then maybe I'll even find the guts to post it?Who knows, guess we'll see.

I've never read the book, though I have a signed copy on my shelf. I knew what it was about, and I even heard some great things about it, but for whatever reason I stayed away from it. So I can't tell you how the book compares to the series, sorry. I wasn't planning on watching the show either, but with so many people talking about it, I guess I figured, what's the harm? Binge watching (or Netflixing) is one of my favorite past time activities after all. 

I watched all the episodes in two days. I was transfixed. I was literally frozen on the couch and glued to my iPad, unable and unwilling to pause and get on with my daily activities and responsibilities, and mundane shit like fixing dinner for the family. And it was a different kind of obsession than my regular interest in highly entertaining shows like The 100, or Supernatural, or even Westernworld. I just.. I guess I just really couldn't separate myself from the show. It got under my skin, it resonated with my own experiences and feelings, and struggles. It hit too close to home. It made me feel uncomfortable, it triggered anxiety and a pretty big panic attack, and I ended up curled up in a ball, lying in my bed for the rest of the evening. (So yes, please be careful. If you're in a bad place right now, consider watching it at a later date, or maybe even not at all.)

Watching 13 Reasons Why was not easy (an understatement). It wasn't entertaining, and it was the farthest thing from relaxing you could imagine. It was, however, really insightful and emotional, and important to me in so many ways. And there are two sides to the story, the way I see it (for me, at least). 

First of all, I believe it's so important to realize that everything we do, every little interaction we have with another human being (no matter how meaningless it may seem), every comment we send out into the world, every statement we make, every mean thing, every compliment, every action or inaction can affect and probably affects people around us in ways we don't even begin to comprehend. 

Every time we choose to look the other way, 

every time we take something for granted, 

every time we listen to one side of the story and make up judgements based on that, 

every time we shut someone away, 

ignore them, 

give them a judgmental look... 

every instance of that happening could be meaningless to us, but life-changing to the person on the receiving end. 

And that happens a lot, to all of us, every day, because that's just how life works. We don't always realize the impact we have on other people. Sometimes, we have no clue whatsoever that we even make an impact at all. Heck, it happened to me last year when I didn't realize the impact my words would have on another person's life and I fucked up really bad. And a person got hurt, because of me, because of my selfish reaction to something that hurt me. It was a ripple effect that went beyond just the two of us, and I'm still living the consequences of that. It still terrifies me to think of that. It still weighs down on me SO MUCH. Because action have consequences... Some are bigger than others, and everyone is affected differently. 

On the other hand, the show made me realize that though we may sometimes feel completely worthless, useless, unimportant, there are always people around us who care. It sure doesn't feel like that's the case sometimes, I know, believe me. And when you're struggling with anxiety, depression and self-worth, trying to convince yourself that there is someone who cares and will listen to you and maybe even help you, is like the most impossible thing ever. But it's important to try. It's important to care enough about yourself to let others show you that they care. Let others help you. 

Last year has been the most difficult year in my life. 

So much bad has happened, my own body turned on me. I had serious health issues, and even more serious personal issues affecting every aspect of my life. I was drowning in fear, depression, anxiety. I contemplated ending it all. I was so fucking close, you wouldn't believe it. And no one knew. No one had a fucking clue how I was feeling. How I still am feeling sometimes. I can have a good day when I feel my normal self, I spend time with friends, have a play date for the kid, have sex with my husband, read a little, work some and then go to sleep relatively happy, and then I can wake up in a whole other place the next day. 

And I don't feel like I can tell anyone. 

Because I don't want to bother people, 

because I'm scared what they'd say, 

if they'll shrug it off, 

if they'll take it too seriously, 

or not seriously enough? 

What if I'll disappoint them? 

What if they'll look at me differently? 

What if they'll think I'm overreacting? 

Being dramatic? 

Being weak? 

And I am so ashamed of being like this, feeling this way. So ashamed.

And I am beyond terrified to share all this with the world. To post this post. I'm scared. You can't even imagine how much, because I've never shared any of this with anyone. 

In the back of my head, I hear the voice telling me not to share this. To keep it to myself. That it's too risky to post it. That someone will twist my words, and use my own pain to attack me. And I can't take it, it'll break me. Am I being paranoid?

I think my closest friend, Amanda, is the only one who knows that I even struggle with this shit, and yet I don't think she knows just how much. She has her own shit to go through, I can't constantly ask her to pull me out of the hellhole of my mind, right? My parents are across the ocean, they worry enough as it is, what kind of an asshole daughter would pour her shit out on them? My husband is so not a person who understands anxiety and struggling to get out of bed. He's practical, he's here to make money for the family and not much beyond that. When I tried telling him about how I feel, I only got "get over it" in response, and that made me feel so much worse. So now I just keep it to myself.

I understand 13 Reasons Why more than I want to.

I understand Hanna, I relate to what she went through. I could make a 13 Reasons Why list myself, right here and now, you guys. People in this very community would be on that list, people I've worked with, people I went to school with, heck, a blood relative or two would be on it as well. Those who abandoned me and then demanded to be let back into my life. Those who thought they could touch me without my permission. Those who used me. Those who judged me without ever interacting with me, or knowing anything about me. Those, who keep judging me and talking about me behind my back. Thinking I can't see? Or not caring if I do? Hoping that I will? It all hurts, but hurt isn't a strong enough word when you're already drowning and shit keeps getting worse. And you feel like you truly have no one. 

I don't know who I am anymore sometimes. I tell myself I am a mother, and a wife and a book blogger, and a designer. I am Evie. But all this shit keeps piling up, you know? Not just the online stuff, but real life stuff. Always having to move and start over. The stress from my husband work which he brings home, the fights, the uncertainty about the future. And all the horrible things I can't bring myself to talk about even now, all those things I keep to myself only. I see my own happy, positive tweets about books and my designs and other stuff and it takes me a moment to believe that this was actually me who tweeted that. Like, you wouldn't have guessed that this person is going through some heavy shit right? I wouldn't have guessed it. But it's easier to pretend than to explain. 

13 Reasons Why made me think about all that. It's a powerful story told in a very impactful way, it was so incredibly hard for me to watch it, but I'm glad that I did. Because, in a way, it made me hopeful. It opened my eyes to things I've never considered before. It made me realize that it's okay to open up, to talk about feelings, to ask people for help. 

It's also okay to feel all those things and maybe sometimes get lost in them as well, as long as we don't give up and keep trying. 

It made me think that perhaps I'm not the only one who feels this way. 

That, maybe, we all go through some heavy ass shit. 

And that we never truly know what the other person is going through. 

Even the people who hurt us - they don't know us, but we don't know them either. 

And maybe that's something worth remembering. 

"It has to get better. The way we treat each other and lookout for each other. It has to get better somehow."

P.S. Thank you for reading. Thank you for listening. Thank you for being here. You matter more than you know.

PPS. Take care of yourself and the people around you. And if there's ever anything I can do to help, if you ever need to talk to anyone, I am here. My email is evieseo@gmail.com and I'm always here for you.

Thank you Jay Asher, Netflix and 13 Reasons Why.